Chapter 11


TL: Akabane


***


I thought about going out for a drink alone, but the sadness wasn't going to go away even if I did so. I went home quietly and took off my suit after work.


It was past seven o'clock in the evening, and I was hungry. I put a side dish I had bought at a local supermarket into my mouth. I served it with a bottle of cheap sparkling wine. When I turned on the TV, all I saw was a gourmet food show or a quiz show like I had seen somewhere else. It's really not interesting.


The feel of the hand I shook with Momoka Aimi has already melted into the palm of my hand. So I washed my hands as usual. Soapy and firm.


(...... I guess it's over.)


I don't even see her on stage anymore. I'm just a fan to begin with. It's just that my experience so far has been extraordinary, and there is no connection... But that thought was short-lived. I had her phone number.


I check my phone as I swallow down a bottle of bubbly. I check my smartphone to see if I have the number of the short message we exchanged on that day.


The screen is a little inorganic because I haven't registered it in my phone book. But that's okay. Once I put her name on the screen, I don't want to erase it.


On the other end of the line, she was indeed there. Momoka - or rather, Miina Yamamoto. My favorite girl.


It wasn't a good idea to leave her on this machine. I would be drunk and would call her.


I've just come to know her. In a normal life, there is no way a fan would know the phone number of his/her favorite idol. But ...... this is good. It's important for my mental health to delete and clear my mind.


I was about to press the delete button, and that's exactly when it happened. The screen went dark and I shivered. The number on the screen was the same as the one I had seen until now.


I hesitated. The phone in my right hand kept shaking. I was about to turn it off, so why was this girl contacting me?


If it was an apology for getting me involved in the press, I've already received enough. So I've had enough of this. I felt it was the right thing for me to break off this relationship with her.


--But I'm not sure I'm going to be able to do that.


"Hello?"


I can't do that, that's what men are for.


I wanted to talk to her just one more time. I don't care if the hot side dish gets cold, or if the little bit of fizzy sake I have left gets lukewarm.


Ah, it seems I have a little bit of alcohol in me. It should be strong. Well, I'm just tired.


||  "......This is Yamamoto."


Her voice was lower than before. When she said her real name, she seems to have completely shed her Momoka Aimi appearance. But it also sounds somewhat angry or mousy.


||  "What were you doing just now?"


She asked me out of the blue. I tell her I'm at home, eating, and she apologizes and I tells her not to worry about it.


I couldn't tell her that I was trying to erase her phone number, it was a quandary.


||  "Thanks for your help today."


"No, no, no. That's right. Thank you for your hard work."


She didn't call me just to say that. I know that. I'm sure what she's worried about is what I said.


||  "Why did you say ...... that thing?"


"Such and such a thing."


“I never thought that I wanted to be an idol…!”


No. She doesn't understand.


If she really didn't think about that, she wouldn't have bothered to call me. Just listen and let it go. But if she doesn't, it's because she knows what I'm talking about. A feeling of conviction flooded my chest.


I took a deep breath. We both breathe in.


"Please don't lie to me."


||  "Why ......!"


"You called me because you can't get rid of it."


||  "......... It's not true."


"No, it makes no difference."


I easily shattered her desperate denial.


When I said this, I can tell that she wanted to say something, which I could tell even through the phone.


"Do you regret it?"


The feelings she is harboring are probably unbearable for the average person to understand. However, she is also an ordinary person, Yamamoto Miina.


So, I felt I could understand a little. Now, I can accept her worries, and a groundless feeling covers my chest. If she had remained an active idol, she would have probably said something appropriate and passed it off.


||  "--Could this feeling be called regret?"


As if in response to my question. Yamamoto began to spin her words slowly. Slowly, as if she was chewing them over. She was trying to convey her feelings to me in a way that was easy to understand. I felt like she was relying on me, and my heart was pounding.


||  "It was all a seed I sowed. I wanted to quit, so I got Shinki-san involved, and it was reported. But at this moment when it was over, I didn't feel exhilarated at all. Rather--I was lonely."


She seems to understand what she deserved. It's a bit of a relief.


The desire to quit is, in fact, in her heart. But she is not 100% sure about that. Hearing Yamamoto's voice, I understand her well.


||  "What is it? I have such a troublesome personality - I'm glad I quit."


I wonder what she looks like now as she mocks herself. I wonder if that beautiful face she showed me earlier has been distorted. I hope so, but it's difficult to say.


||  "--That can't be true."


"What? ........."


I'm a drinker. I never get drunk even if I drink a can or two of sparkling wine. But today was different. Because of fatigue and this unfamiliar situation, I feel like I'm on cloud.


I thought I'd give her a lecture because I'd gotten so worked up, as I often say when I'm drunk. I felt empty thinking that this was how I was getting older.


"You are beautiful. More than anyone else. You're sparkling, and you're like an idol."


||  "......I don't think so."


"If you're tired, get some rest. We, your fans, will be waiting for you."


I knew she was the one who would be in trouble if I said this. When I'm drunk, I say what I want to say. I'll probably forget about it tomorrow, so I'll say it all when I get here.


||  "You said I could quit, don't you?"


"That's not true."


||  "You told me good job, right?"


"Of course no."


||  "You're a terrible person, Araki-san."


Oh, it feels so nice and fluffy.


She laughed a little when she said, "You're a terrible person." Was it because she could hear my true feelings? Or was it because I told her not to quit? I don't know.


But in any case...


I am sure that Miina Yamamoto wanted to continue to be an idol. I guess it was because she was trapped mentally, but without that, she would have continued to be an idol. I really hate the Internet society.


It's true that her fussy personality is not suited for work that involves public appearances. She knows this, and that's why she is suffering. I can't help her. I don't have that talent, and I don't know how to do it.


||  "I don't like people who lying."


"Haha. Well said. But you're the same, right?"


||  "No, I'm not. I'm not lying."


It's strange, her voice is more lively than when I heard earlier. Yes, it's as if she's talking to a friend.


Friends, huh? I don't have that kind of relationship with Yamamoto. She just used me to quit her job. In that sense, are we some kind of business partners?　Is that too much to ask?


In any case, we must be connected by a mysterious bond. I, who became an idol otaku after becoming a member of society, and she, who has devoted herself to idols. It's not a match made in heaven.


||  "Thank you so much for today."


"No, we'll be waiting for you."


||  "Oh, God. Please don't say it again."


"I'll say it again and again."


Even if she comes back when she's older. I would still support her. I wish she hadn't lied about quitting. If she had stopped there, she might have remained Momo-chan.


I keep thinking about the codswallop I hate so much.


It's as if I'm the one who regrets it. Well, yes, I am.


I may never see her again. We may not even talk to each other. So there is no need to go any deeper. And yet...


"--I hope we can talk again."


That was a sly way of putting it. It's not just the two of us. This is a handshake session. I just said I hope we can talk there. Besides, I don't want to regret it. I want to see where she goes from here.


With these excuses in my head, I downed the last of the fizzy sake I had left.





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