Chapter 36: Past Sins, Future Punishments, And Present Redemption


TL: Akabane


***


[Ririse's POV]


I was a little bleary-eyed. These nights are very common these days. So I have to talk to Chusho to get myself out of bed. I'm sure it's not easy for Chusho to be subjected to my chattering.


"Why do I always look at Tokiwa?


I've been following him with my eyes for a while now. I used to be able to approach him aggressively, but I can't do it anymore. I can't help but have feelings for him. The first time I cared about him was at the entrance ceremony. When I met him, I didn't feel anything special. I only remember that the blonde girl next to him had a little something about her makeup that scared me. The first time I clearly saw him was when he irritated me about Chusho. I think my childhood friend Chusho is probably a can-do guy. Any girl would have wanted to go out with him. He could do anything, study, play sports, etc. He was popular not only in his class, but in the whole school, the whole community. No matter where he went, he was popular. I'm sure girls in the world love boys like that. My father, mother and sister all love Chusho. I know what everyone is expecting from our upcoming Golden Week trip. Even if I compare myself with many men, there is probably no one who can compete with Chusho. I've never been in a relationship with a guy, but I know that Chusho is probably the best option compared to anyone else. That's why I thought there was no one. I don't know anyone who would go out of their way to make that amazing Chusho dislike them.


"It's amazing that Chusho hates you. Aren't you afraid of him, Tokiwa?"


It was the first time I saw a ・・・・ person who was really disliked by everyone's favorite, Chusho. I was surprised. That's why I was interested in him. He was surprisingly kind, but he was messy and blunt to me and kind of pissed me off. But it was fun. That's why I wanted him to be friends with Tokiwa. But I guess that's no longer possible. Golden Week will soon arrive. Then the end will probably start.


"Why I can't do anything?"


I am a stupid child who did it a long time ago. There was no way I could do something on my own. That's why I asked Chusho to do something for me, but he refused. I don't have many chances to chat with Tokiwa anymore. There is only a little.


"But I'm glad I did this. If I did something on my own, I would surely make a mistake again..."


I've done something I can't help. I committed a sin that I cannot atone for. If people knew that, they would all leave me. It would only be Chusho. I will always be by his side, because I will miss being punished alone. Until that day, I want to be with someone.


"So I shouldn't get involved. But... but... when I get my comeuppance..."


I don't know what future punishment awaits me. But I've never forgotten a single day. But but but. If it could come true...


"Tokiwa. Can't I just drag you into this? Look at me, being punished..."


I have no right to be selfish. There is nothing I can do. I can't decide anything for myself. If I decide, I will be wrong again. That's why I can't choose anything. I want to be swept away, swept away, and punished as quickly as possible. I want it to be the end. I meditate. The dream always torments me. But I'll keep dreaming this dream. Until the day it all ends.










Ayashiro raises her hand and says in a brisk voice with a big smile on her face, "I'm going to do a gag!"


"I'm going to do a gag!"


"Hyuh! Good one! Slip! Gyahahaha!!!!"


Ayashiro lies on her back on the bed and stretches her hands above her head.


"Tuna!!! I can't cum with you!!!!"


She folds her legs open with her knees folded, then bounces her body with a bouncing motion.


"Tunawwwww hyahahahaha! You're too good to be a tuna girl on the bed! Hee!!! Awww, a man's delicate heart is hurt!"


And from there, Ayashiro stretches her legs out pinning them and brings her hands to her crotch, interlocking her fingers in a triangle toward the ceiling.


"Squid from tuna! Stab!!!!"


Ayashiro moves the triangularly-crossed fingers of both hands up and down over her hips in a steady motion.


"Stop it. Hyahahaha! Don't say 'squid sashimi', I've never seen a fool cross sashimi and pull it out."


"Now it's your turn! Slip! Slip! Slip!"


I think it's really great that this room doesn't echo even after all this fooling around. That's why I'm going to get serious! I climb up on the bed and lie down next to Ayashiro, who is sitting with her back against the wall.


"Yes! I'm going to do the virgin-kun failure from now on!"


I got into a normal-like style by myself and got down on all fours with my hands on the bed.


"Yes, I'm going to do it! Hmph! Hmph! Hm! Hmph!"


I do push-ups on the spot instead of shaking my hips. I guess it was funny from Ayashiro's point of view, and she blew out a little of the beer she was drinking.


"Bwah! Hahaha! Gyahahahaha! Awwwww, that's hilarious! Oh no! I'm in a jar. Why are you doing push-ups in the normal position? Awwwww, seriously. Awwwwwww!"


Some virgins seriously make this mistake. Instead of shaking their hips, they do push-ups on the girl. In addition, that's me! Even my wife, who was doing pushups on me, laughed. That's a terrible first experience.


"Whew...I'm arm cumming!"


I lay down on the bed. It's a very enjoyable fooling around.


"Haha. It's fun. It really is. It's a lot of fun. Hahaha. Hey, Tokiwa. Are you the same as me? Have you not accepted your past yet?"


I looked at Ayashiro's face and saw a very fragile smile. There is a somewhat sad nuance to it.


"I'm having a good time now. But the past...yeah. I just can't accept it."


"I can't forgive. Neither can you."


I haven't forgiven him for the past. I don't forgive my wife, of course, but I forgive myself most of all for being weak enough to let it happen. If I had been a stronger man, none of that would have happened. I always think so. I am lacking. I am desperate to make up for it. If I don't, I will lose everything that is important to me. That's all I'm afraid of.


"Ayashiro too?"


"Yes. There are things I can't forgive either. I just can't forgive. I know I have to forgive. But even so, I can't. I just can't. It's a bit of a stretch, but lately I've come to understand why religions say to forgive others and God forgives sins. Sin is too big, too heavy, too much for me to handle. I wanted to throw them out, but they kept chasing me, chasing me, chasing me and chasing me. They run us over and crush us. It will continue until the day we can forgive them. It's hell, isn't it? That's why people dreamed of God. If you don't give up everything to God, you will always remain in pain."


I thought I understood what Ayashiro was saying. The past cannot be undone. It's a strange story. I went back in time. The past follows me everywhere. My past is supposed to be the future. Even if I rewind time, the past is still the past. Neither the crime nor the punishment will disappear. I couldn't forgive my wife's sins. So I punished her to get rid of my sorrow. And so I took on a new sin. I should have faced her more properly.


"Hey. I'm drunk. I think I can say it now. Please. Someday, when I face my sins. Please be by my side and hold my hand."


Ayashiro lay down next to me. Her left hand squeezed my right hand. I see, Ayashiro must be lonely just like me.


"It's okay. I'll be there for you. I'll be by your side for sure."


"Thank you. In return. I'll forgive you for your past."


I felt a soft touch on my head. Ayashiro hugged me to her chest. It was so gentle and warm, like a mother holding her child.


"I've been by your side, I've seen what you've done. They are happy because of you. It must be a way to make up for it, don't you think?"


"I don't know, but if they're smiling. I'm happy."


The days leading up to today had been fun. Of course, there were unpleasant moments. But because I was there, I made someone smile. I think I can be proud of that.


"Yes, you did your best. You did very, very well. You're a very good man."


Ayashiro pats my head and back. I let myself fall into the comfort of her touch. I'm getting sleepier and sleepier.


"Good night. Let's have a good dream together today."


And I fall asleep. And the dream I had must have been a very happy one.









[Ririse's POV]


I woke up from sleep and it was a disaster. I think it was because I thought stupid things before I went to bed. I got this unpleasant thought because I live my life thinking for myself, not what others give me.


"Huh. Morning practice is so hard..."


The cheerleading club was practicing to cheer for the Tokyo 5 University Baseball Game that was about to take place. For the cheerleading squad, it was one of the biggest shows.


"But our university is going to lose anyway. Why are we cheering?"


Flatteringly, our university is not strong in sports. Unlike private universities, we don't have sports recommendations, and frankly, I think we are weak. And yet we have to cheer for them. I don't see the point. I started cheerleading in high school. I originally started cheerleading because Chusho had nothing to do, so I talked to him about it and he recommended it to me. At the time, Chusho was playing soccer, so it was a way to cheer him on. What about now? People praise me if I do it, though.


--- "The train will arrive at the platform shortly. Inside the white line..."


My nearest station is Kichijoji. I tell everyone at school that I'm from Kichijoji. To be exact, I live in a town in Nerima Ward, which is the closest to Kichijoji, but since Tokyo Nanchana in Chiba is allowed to do so, I guess I'm safe enough to do so. Everyone lies a little bit. The same is true for Chusho and others. Recently, it's been especially bad. I was convinced that he was doing something that would have been bad if he had been found out. But I could also imagine myself forgiving them anyway. Even if he is doing something, I am sure that what he is doing is nothing compared to what I have done. That's what I think. I sat in my seat and thought about nothing but the trivial.


--- "We're in Shimokitazawa. Please change trains at..."


I realized that I was already near the school. I want to just sink into my thoughts and ride aimlessly until the last stop. I want to be swept away without thinking. If I just let myself drift along, I'm sure the punishment will become easier.


"Ara? Ara ara. That is... That is..."


I heard a clear voice. I looked up and saw a blonde-haired, blue-eyed foreigner? She looked at me with interest. She was peering into my face with interest. I thought the blonde girl looked like the Latinos I had seen on TV. But race doesn't matter. I don't know this person.


"Sorry, I can't remember you. Who are you? You had..."

[TL: She's uses english when talking.]


It was a spur-of-the-moment situation, and I honestly wasn't sure how to express myself in English. I hope I understood her, but the blonde spoke to me in fluent Japanese.


"Don't do that. Don't speak to me in English. I don't like it. Such intellectual gestures. It just pisses me off when foreigners act like they understand me."


"Huh... Well... I don't know you, so...I'm a little confused."


The blonde sat down next to me. She has a smirk on her face. I have to admit, I'm kind of ticked off at this girl.


"Oh my? Well, what a cold woman you are! Hmmm. It's Ayashiro. See. I was next to Tokiwa at the entrance ceremony."


"...Eh? You're her? Huh? Isn't your face different? Eh?"


If you ask me, it seems like they look alike. Sometimes I see a blonde girl next to Tokiwa on campus. It's strange because thinking about it makes me feel even more disgusted.


"You're up very early in the morning, aren't you? Club activities? Was it cheerleading? Is it because of the baseball tournament coming up?"


"Yes, that's right. Why are you up early?"


"I have an appointment with my professor this morning. So I'll be early to get ready and everything."


"Right. But why are you wearing jersey? You usually wear elaborate clothes. Besides, they don't even fit you."


Ayashiro was wearing a jersey. It was too big, as if it wasn't the right size. Her hands were in moe sleeves. Her legs were rolled up to her knees.


"Hmm? This? I stayed at Tokiwa's room yesterday. I didn't have any clothes, so I borrowed this. He said it's his high school jersey!"


"...Eh? What... no way..."


I suddenly felt a tightening sensation in my chest. I couldn't even speak.


"Well, yesterday was so much fun! We had so much fun! Fufufu..."


It was a lot of fun? I don't want to think about what that word means. I'm not a child anymore. It's not like I don't know what a relationship that involves staying over and borrowing clothes means. Many of my friends had boyfriends after they entered college. Some of them had even had sex before. I didn't think anything of it at the time. I had never had that experience, and it was outside my imagination. But today it sounds awfully graphic.


"Look, look, look! He sleeps with a face like this! Isn't he adorable! M-hmm."


Ayashiro shows me her phone. There, Tokiwa's sleeping face was reflected. He is sleeping like a child. Seeing that, my heart warms up a little. I thought it was cute. But that feeling was soon blown away. Ayashiro swiped her finger on her phone and the next picture appeared. There was Ayashiro kissing the cheek of the cute Tokiwa. I quickly looked away.


"Oh? What a very primitive reaction! You're so cute, aren't you? Ufufu... This is normal for a college student. It's normal! Fufufu."


Ayashiro's grinning face looks hateful.


"What's with these pictures? Me and Tokiwa are just friends in the same department. I don't want to be shown something like this."


I can hear my voice naturally turning cold. I can feel my face stiffen as well. But Ayashiro is not upset. In fact, she seems to be enjoying herself.


"Oh, no? Is that so? I'm sorry. I teased you a little too much. Don't worry. We were just having a drink! It's called having a drink at home!"


"Drinking at home? You just had a drink? Really?"


"Yes, that's right. We were just drinking and fooling around. That's it. Nothing like what you've come to expect! Haha!"


Ayashiro is smiling with a hearty, joyful smile. Is she trying to tease me? Tokiwa and I are nothing more than friends, and our relationship will end with us being just friends. There's no way we can go beyond that. And yet. Why? I caressed my face. It was soft. And why is it hot?


"I like it. That face. It's so good. Yes, it is. It's that honest expression of emotion that makes a person beautiful. I'd have a threesome with you and Tokiwa."


Threesome? What is that? Is it a video game or something? Is it something that the three of us, Tokiwa, me and this girl, do together? But either way, I didn't want to do something with Tokiwa. I didn't want to do something with this girl either.


"I don't want to. I don't want to do anything with you."


"Oh, that's too bad. I've been rejected."


The train arrived at the Komaba station of the Imperial University. We went through the ticket gates and walked out in front of the campus. That's when Ayashiro suddenly muttered.


"He's still sleeping. He'll come later. He's a serious guy, so I'm sure he'll be here before second period starts."


"So what?"


I didn't know what this girl was trying to say. What does it mean that Tokiwa will be here sooner or later?


"That's for you to decide. What meaning will you give it? And how will you act? That's up to you."


With that, Ayashiro gallantly disappeared into the campus. I remained alone in front of the station.


"I have to go practice..."


I grabbed my sports bag and was about to head to campus. But before I did, I saw a lottery ticket booth.


"...Oh yeah, I should buy a lottery ticket like I usually do. I have to try my luck. Today's fortune is important."


I decided to draw lots. I don't care if I'm late for cheerleading. Maybe there is something more important than that. It's right here, right now.



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